February 1st will mark two years since I have moved back to New York. For those who don't know me too well, I am originally from New York but relocated with my family to South Florida in 2005. I returned north to further my education and because I just loveee the weather (I don't).
During this time, I started graduate school, got out of a relationship, lost my grandmother and uncle, sold my car, and gave my dog away—just to give a little insight. My life was changing rapidly, and because these situations were beyond my control, I became emotionally drained. At times, I could honestly say that I was depressed. I regretted moving back at one point in time, convincing myself that if I had stayed, most of it wouldn’t have happened.
Trips to Florida became highly anticipated. I couldn’t wait to bask in the warm weather and not have to think about my problems for a moment. However, a couple of weeks ago, my problems followed me to paradise.
For years, I have struggled with anxiety attacks. During stressful moments, the logical side of me knows that there is a solution but my emotional side is like “Nah, wild out.” For the first couple of days, all I stressed about was school and where the money was going to come from for my needs. I also found it difficult to walk into my grandparent’s living room and not see my grandmother, playing her crossword puzzle games and watching Judge Judy. As I drove through Palm Beach, I also felt a different type of energy as I passed by all of the spots where my friends and I used to hang out. Once again, I was reminded that my life is changing and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.
If you haven't caught on, I was in my feelings for a majority of the trip.
I don't remember the exact moment in which I had a reality check, but I'm glad that I did. I was so fixated on my problems, that I wasn't able to see the greatness that came out of this trip. If I never went to Florida, I would have never given my grandma fresh flowers on her gravesite, indulged in bloomin’ onions at Outback with my grandpa, watched my nephews’ faces glow as they ran through Chuck E. Cheese, or reconnected with those whom I haven't seen in forever. I will always be surrounded by love and despite all that has happened in my life, I cannot complain.
I went back to New York with a new perspective. I am still learning how to combat anxiety, but one thing that I know for sure is that anxiety is a trick from the enemy that is intended to blind me from seeing the beauty in my life. Palm Beach will always have a special place in my heart but I know that if I were to ever return there to live, it wouldn’t be the same. I am slowly but surely accepting the fact that my life isn’t what it once was. When your season is up in a particular place, you’ll often feel it and it is a hard feeling to shake off. It hurts, but change is necessary. If everything remained the same, chances are I wouldn’t have grown into the woman that I am today, nor would I reach the people that I am meant to connect with. And most important of all, how would I know what God is capable of?
I am hoping that this has resonated with someone. As I encourage others, I encourage myself in the process.
On a brighter note, I am very excited for this year! I will be finished with school and I have made a vow to better myself and my craft. I am definitely looking forward to sharing my new projects with you all. Also, expect more vlogs from me—subscribe to youtube.com/jessicahughee if you haven’t done so!